I saw this on a friend’s Discord status a while ago, but the words stuck with me.

“Friendship is rude and imposing–at least I want it to be. We’ll never be friends if we keep trying not to bother each other.”

Now this isn’t meant to be taking too literally, I certainly don’t prescribe tugging on the sleeves of a bunch of
unwilling acquaintances until they agree to be your friend just to be polite, but I do think that there’s inherent value to being unafraid in your approach of reaching out.

Let’s backtrack a moment. If this is the first time you’re seeing this term, the friendship recession is defined as follows:

A decline in the number of friends people have in Canada and the United States. The decline first began in the late 20th century. This phenomenon is theorized to have a wide range of impacts on mental and physical health.

Surprised? I was, at least, to learn that this isn’t as new a term as I thought it was when I first encountered it.

It can’t be denied. There is a tangible loss of meaningful connection most of us have reluctantly conditioned ourselves to accepting. In fact, this uncomfortable, not-so newly minted term has even earned its own Wikipedia page.

How uplifting.

But there’s no denying this “recession” is more relevant in our daily lives today than it has ever been.

At least once a week, I’ll see a Youtube video titled “Gen-Z is bad at friendship,” or a viral TikTok where someone’s opening up about their struggle with making authentic connections.

And if those seem like questionable sources, multiple media outlets are constantly dropping the next depressing statistic that proves we all need to “touch grass” before we completely abandon the real world for the short-lived comforts of video games and social media.

Alright. It’s a problem. We get it. There’s a multitude of reasons that we’re experiencing this cultural shift towards social isolation and emotional scarcity, and many people have covered it better than I can.

I’ll leave some links at the bottom of this page.

But I’m not here to delve into the epistemological nature of the problem. Only to acknowledge it, and talk about a few ways that I’ve personally found useful to combat it.

As someone who moved to a daunting new city with my best friends continents apart from me and no idea where to even begin trying to make new connections, I’ve been there.

Let’s get one bitter truth out of the way…

No one wants to admit they have no friends.

It can be embarrassing to admit, especially when everyone you meet sort of expects you to already have your
own people, and won’t necessarily perceive your efforts of trying to make them one of your people.

This is often true. Someone who grew up in my city is bound to know more people than I do, and so I may find it hardly to befriend them than if I sought out a Meetup group exclusively for people that are new to town.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t befriend someone you’ve set your sights on, it just means it’ll take a bit more effort, and the small risk of facing rejection.

Sometimes that gamble is worth it. Sometimes it’s not. It doesn’t mean you swear off of all attempts at befriending people and embrace life as the purposeful hermit.

I’ve decided that I can be the crazy cat lady with a group of crazy cat lady friends. If there’s one positive in today’s world it’s that there’s a place out there for anyone. Whether you’re into cycling, whittling, or Mongolian throat singing, there’s probably a community for that.

So what’s stopping us? To answer that, I’m actually going to work backwards and share the conclusions I’ve come to in my experience. And it’ll hopefully come full circle.

So without blathering on any further, here are a few lessons I’ve learned in my own efforts to make organic connections as an adult with very few opportunities to mingle with likeminded people in my own age group.

Be the initiator. It’s a surefire way to get people to come to you instead of having to constantly seek them out. It’s simply human nature, if you’re providing something of value, you’re more likely to elicit interest. (i.e. buy a couple of good board games and insist on hosting).

You won’t click with everyone and that’s absolutely okay. The people pleaser in me is cringing even as I type this, but it’s true. You can’t make everybody like you, and sometimes it’s not because of some inherent flaw in you or the other person, sometimes your personalities and life experiences just don’t mesh. Brush it off and try not to take it personally.

Don’t be afraid to risk embarrassment and let people know you’re interested in hanging out. We get so stuck in our own heads sometimes we tend to forget that no one’s a telepath. Sometimes we need things spelled out for us, and there’s no shame in straight up telling someone you want to get to know them better. The outcome doesn’t matter, because even if they don’t respond how you were hoping they might, you’re training yourself to better communicate your needs, which is pretty integral to any good friendship.

Not every friendship you’re going to make is going to be meaningful, or even last. This was a difficult one to accept, but a part of me always romanticised the idea of having a close-knit group of friends, and while it’s important to have at least one or two people you can lean on in a pinch, that’s kind of an unreasonable standard to put on every person you befriend. There’s still value in “easy” or superficial friendships, even if it’s just an excuse to get out on a boring weekend night.

Lastly, friendships take a lot of time to cultivate. Give people a chance, show them you value them, and you’re already halfway there.

None of these are surefire tactics to making tons of friends, but they are approaches to your pursuit that may just be worth adopting.

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